


Nicole likes rock climbing, Johnny Cash, and pussy...cats

by Mischieftess



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, Humor, stereotypes can be fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 17:04:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19300033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mischieftess/pseuds/Mischieftess
Summary: Waverly stops by after a hard week to find Nicole entangled in a lesbian stereotype.





	Nicole likes rock climbing, Johnny Cash, and pussy...cats

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Kat Barrell, who truly knows (and loves) her audience as much as we love her. The title is taken from the full cast panel at Earp Expo, where she said that Nicole's list of three things she likes on her dating profile would be "rock-climbing, Johnny Cash, and pussy...cats," complete with the expressive delay between pussy and cats.
> 
> One could see this as a prequel to Drag My Teeth, if one wanted. Hope y'all enjoy!

Waverly hummed to herself as she rolled the Jeep to a stop outside Nicole’s little house, fresh snow crunching under its tires. It had been a long week, but she was looking forward to some quality time with her girlfriend, snuggled up under some blankets in front of the fire. And maybe, hopefully, she would finally get some action.

Waverly had read about lesbian bed death in her first frenzied google dive into what liking girls (or one particular girl) might mean for her. She knew all of the tropes. In fact, she’d made a list.

  1. Flannel is catnip to lesbians. Wear it often.
  2. Lesbians have a tendency to U-Haul into relationships, moving in within weeks or even days of meeting their new flame.
  3. Falling in love with straight girls is a thing.
  4. So is mutual pining.
  5. Queer women process their feelings extensively and often.
  6. They also say “I love you” way too soon.
  7. Indigo Girls and Tegan and Sara have played massive roles in the development of gay women everywhere. Hayley Kiyoko has that same energy for younger women.
  8. Having the same name is not weird and happens more than you’d think.
  9. There’s something called a “gay sit” that can be used to identify other queer people in the wild. (Waverly had not yet mastered this one, how could sitting be gay?)
  10. Instead of nodding, dykes jerk their chins up at each other. It’s hard to know why.
  11. The entire non-male workforce of Home Depot, Lowes, or any other hardware store is gay until proven otherwise.
  12. Sharing clothes and shoes is optimal.
  13. Lesbians like and tend to accumulate alarming numbers of cats. (Fortunately, Nicole only had one, and she was a lovely, curious, and playful member of her species. Waverly saw no need to worry.)
  14. Rolled sleeves and forearm muscles are considered very sexy. (Waverly had found this to be absolutely true, partially due to the sheer _power_ they could generate, mmph.)
  15. Staying friends with exes is not only common, it’s a sign of lesbian stability.
  16. Thick-rimmed glasses, a button-down blouse, and a pencil skirt with heels could turn _any_ lesbian’s head, a look the internet called ‘the lesbrarian.’ (Waverly had tested that theory when they broke into Black Badge, and the look on Nicole’s face before she got into the car had been quite satisfactory.)
  17. Everyone agrees that cargo shorts are ugly and butches still don’t care. It’s kinda a power move.
  18. Finger touching
  19. At some point, for every lesbian couple, the sex stops and they just never have sex again.



Now, Waverly was a smart cookie. She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that the internet lies about everything, especially advice related to health and relationships. And yet…with everything that was happening in their lives, the constant running from emergency to apocalypse to personal crisis, they hadn’t had sex in over a week.

There was nothing to worry about. A week was _completely_ normal, and it had nothing to do with the fact that they’d been dating for a while, or that their sex life had gone from almost-frenzied coupling on every possible surface to slow, loving sessions that lasted for hours. Not that she disliked 6-hour sessions of sex, interspersed with snacks and conversation and kisses! Not at _all_. She was extremely happy with Nicole, and had no doubts whatsoever that she wanted to, was _excited_ to, see where this went long-term.

It was just, well, she wanted some action too. Some “wham, bam, have a few orgasms on my fingers while I hold you down and whisper filthy things in your ear” sex would really help ease the tension, you know?

Waverly hopped down from the Jeep, locking it before making her way through the squeaky snow to Nicole’s front door. On the way, she pondered whether she should change things up with her seduction tactics. Maybe a costume or some fancy lingerie would shake out the doldrums and bring them back to a happy medium between frantic teenage humping and slow sedate lovemaking.

Or, maybe, they should talk about it.

Waverly shook her head at herself and kicked the snow off her boots, stepping inside the screened-in outer porch and slipping them off to set beside the door. Then, she unlocked the door to Nicole’s house and stepped inside.

The air inside was nicely warm, scented with the fresh pine of the wreath on Nicole’s mantel. Waverly inhaled it, smiling, and looked around for her lover. Nicole wasn’t in the living room or the kitchen, so Waverly headed upstairs. As she went, she noted with a frown that the door at the top of the stairs, which normally stood wide open so the aging heating system could actually circulate the air properly, was shut.

Waverly reached out and turned the handle, saying, “Nicole?” as she pushed it open.

“Wait, no, STOP!” Nicole’s voice was frantic, but it was too late – the door had opened.

A stream of confusing shapes and colors brushed past Waverly’s ankles as she stood, frozen, on the top step, the door open a foot. She looked down the stairs to see a small hoard of unmistakably feline hindquarters and tails racing away from her and into the rest of the house.

“What.” Waverly’s mind raced, trying to find an explanation. _Oh no, I read about this, at some point lesbians just acquire cats. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, no warning signs, you just end up with a hoarder house full of cats and there’s nothing you can do._

“Oh god, quick, close the door, I can’t keep ahold of them all!”

Waverly looked up to see Nicole, kneeling in the middle of the room next to a cat bed and absolutely covered in kittens. Three ginger tabbies were tucked under her arm against her belly, their little heads and front legs peeking over top as they squirmed and groped for purchase with their back legs. She was trying to herd another group away from the door with her free arm, picking them up and putting them back into a cat bed while they stumbled out as quickly as she could retrieve them. There was one black-and-white tuxedo gamely climbing up the back of her shirt, little claws sinking in as they went.

Waverly stepped inside and closed the door, swallowing as she watched Nicole with wide eyes.

Nicole looked up, then had to look back at the adventurous kittens. “Sorry, I should have set up some crates or something for them all, but as soon as I get these back in their box we can go round up the others.”

Waverly felt tears gathering in her eyes but forced them down – she could adjust to anything for the sake of her relationship with Nicole, but she needed to process it out loud. “I was afraid of this.”

Nicole said, “What?” and looked up, worry gathering on her face.

“I read about this happening, but I didn’t think it would happen to us. 

“What?”

“You’ve become a cat lesbian!”

“A what?” The climbing kitten had reached Nicole’s shoulder and she plucked it off with a small wince as it tried to hold onto her with its claws. “Ow, leggo, you.”

“You’ve adopted what, a dozen cats? It’s a thing, I know, but I didn’t think that you’d become a cat lesbian without at least, I don’t know, telling me!”

Nicole’s face cleared. “Oh, no, no, I can explain, you see–“

“It’s ok,” Waverly choked out. “You don’t have to explain, I know it’s not something you have a lot of control over. I love you, it’ll just take some adjustments, you know, in our lifestyle.”

Nicole said, “No, you don’t understand, they needed me to–” Three kittens, two tabbies and one black, made a break for freedom at the same time, and Nicole tried to speak and corral them at the same time. One of the kittens tucked under her arm managed to wriggle free and dropped to the floor, where it set off in a different direction. “Wait, just give me a second.”

Waverly had more to say, however. “I get it, Nicole, they _needed you_ and you were there for them, and I can’t be mad about that, I _love_ you for being so loving. I want you to know I’ll love you even when you start wearing cargo shorts and socks with Birkenstocks.”

Nicole’s bewildered, “What?” didn’t slow Waverly’s speech – she was on a roll and was going to say her piece, goddamn it.

“I can move in right away, you’ve been really patient with me still living at the Homestead and I appreciate it, but this seems really serious and you’re gonna need help with this many cats. Um, I don’t have too much stuff anyway, but we can get one of those U-Haul trailers that hitch onto my Jeep and fill it as much as we can so we get the whole experience. You’ve already fallen in love with a straight girl, well, not so straight now… but that works just fine I think so it’s off the list. And I said ‘I love you,’ well, actually, it was ‘I think I love her’ but it counts, right after we really started dating so we have the premature declaration of love covered!

I’ve always liked your rolled-up sleeves look, so we don’t have a problem there, and we can both wear flannels. I can wear your clothes, but I’m afraid mine are much too small for your shoulders, I could start buying a size up though! And I can wear a lot of socks to fit into your shoes. Oh, I probably have to get a pair of Doc Marten’s, though! I still have those glasses from when we broke into Black Badge, and I really actually like pencil skirts and heels so that’s not a huge adjustment to my wardrobe there.

I know you’ve kinda cut contact with Shae, but I want you to know that it’s ok, I know you want to be friends with your ex and I’m not going to stand in the way of your nature. Um, what else, I’ve never listened to the Indigo Girls or Tegan and Sara, but Hayley Kiyoko came on my Spotify the other day and I really enjoyed her music! So, we can totally listen to lesbian music together when we have our weekly sessions to process our feelings and define the relationship.

Nicole, I want you to know that I love you very much and it doesn’t matter if we never have sex again, I’m gonna stick with you and be your cat-lady girlfriend through all of these changes.”

Waverly stopped, heaving in big breaths to recover the oxygen she’d lost. It had taken a lot out of her, but she’d said everything she wanted to say to encourage Nicole to be her true, inner lesbian self.

Nicole had stopped trying to round up kittens halfway through the speech and was staring, open-mouthed, at Waverly. Then she licked her lips, cleared her throat, and, ignoring the kittens exploring her curtains and trooping under the bed, turned her body so she was facing Waverly directly where she knelt on the carpet.

“Waves,” Nicole said in a measured tone, “The local cat-only shelter lost power in the snow, and they didn’t have anywhere to keep the cats and kittens. So I volunteered to take care of some of them until the power’s back on. It should be just a few more hours.”

Waverly opened her mouth, then closed it, then opened it again, feeling the mortified blush creeping up her neck. “Oh. _Oh._ Oh my god, I’m an idiot.”

Nicole’s face twisted, went solemn again, then creased with tension as she began shaking slightly. Waverly realized, belatedly, that Nicole was laughing. Then, suddenly, Nicole lost control of her amusement and barked out a laugh, sending kittens skittering and leaping everywhere.

“Cargo short and socks with Birkenstocks!” Nicole howled, slapping a hand onto her leg, choking out the next words between wheezes and spates of laughter. “Actually _getting_ a physical U-Haul to move in!? And _Indigo Girls_!! My _cat-lady girlfriend! What_ have you been reading?!”

Waverly started to feel the hilarity creeping into her brain from Nicole’s obvious amusement and shrugged sheepishly, trying to strangle down her own smile. “I, um, did a lot of googling when I first started having, um, feelings. Gay feelings,” she clarified, “for you. I might have made a list of things that might happen within a lesbian relationship.”

“Oh my god.” Nicole absent-mindedly scooped up a kitten and shuffled over to the cardboard box behind her, depositing her furry burden before turning her lunatic grin on Waverly. “I _have_ to read it.”

“Ohh, no, it’s probably not interesting to you, just dumb ideas from the internet.” Waverly waved her hand, trying to dismiss the idea. 

“That’s exactly why it’ll be funny! But to clarify for you, Waves,” Nicole obviously tried to wrestle her face into some semblance of seriousness, but only got about halfway there. “I’m a lesbian, yes, and I like rock-climbing,” she ticked off each item on her fingers, “Johnny Cash, and pussy…” she winked at Waverly, “cats. However, Calamity’s the only one for me, long-term.”

“Ah.” Waverly relaxed a bit and scratched the back of her head. “Um, that’s good to hear. Let me help you with your pussy problem?”

Nicole grinned at her. “Please, and thanks. And then,” her eyes crinkled, clearly seeing too much of Waverly’s true concerns, just like she always had, “we can order in Chinese, crack open a tub of peanut butter, and discuss what we both want out of our sex life. Does that sound good?”

Waverly smiled down at her girlfriend, reaching out and grinning as Nicole brushed her fingers with her own (finger touching confirmed!). “Yeah, it does. Let’s do that.”


End file.
